Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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