I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
