I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
