Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
