You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
