It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
