ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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