Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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