You can't motorboat a personality
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
