i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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