Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
