Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
