I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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