i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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