I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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