I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
