I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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