Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
