My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This baby is an asshole
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
