maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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