Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
