Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
