I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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