Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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