does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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