I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
