How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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