when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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