Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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