yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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