What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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