What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
