and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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