Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
