dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
