I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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