I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
