it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
me + whiskey = a bad person
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
