the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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