i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
His hands were made for my vagina.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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