Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
