you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I think we might need a safe word for this...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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