and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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