and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
