i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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