hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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