why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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