Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
