so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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