i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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