He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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