I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
