Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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