I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We're too hungover to prance.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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